“Mom, I don’t want to go out.  I’m too embarrassed.”

We were heading to the playroom on the 3rd floor and it required about 15 feet of exposed space where someone might see her.  My heart stayed on floor two as we went up.  There’s nothing I can do.  We worked last night on her hair, cutting here and there and gently pulling and moving and freeing her scalp from itchy hair.  Every hat is a hedgehog on the inside.  I think tomorrow I will try to find more brightly coloured and fun scarves.  Today I bought an 9$ ball of silk to see if that will knit up quickly to a more reasonable cap.  So, careful steps in this waltz of healing old …well old everything.

Grandma and Grandpa kept Ruby busy while Brian and I took Holling on a long walk on Broadway in search of a good second hand shop.  If you know me, you know that’s my weakness.  I still say though that the one in Haines Junction is truly the best.  Tonight we were so tired that playing fairies was a bit boring as we couldn’t think of a storyline we could actually play.  We found funny things, we read book two in Ivy and Bean, she read along and remembered more and more words as we went along.  Part of this is the impact of the tumor on her pineal gland and subsequent surgery and also some of the chemo drugs impact learning.  I can feel her stiffen at words she used to know that seem strange and suddenly incomprehensible.  Anyone who knew Ruby before this knew her as a verifiable bookworm.  She was reading at a grade 3-4 level on her own and could easily complete grade 5 comprehension worksheets.  I soften the fear and remind her that these words are tricky and they will become clear again as we read more.  They know where they change.   A mother’s words of encouragement must feel hollow as she discovers more and more things that are changing for her.  All I can do is love her.

She is still undecided as to when, where or if she will shave my head.  Holling almost cried when we talked a bit about it.  He loves Hair Forest still and I think Ruby likes it still too.  I will go with her wishes.  She already cut my bangs. I will post some pics tomorrow.  I need to ask her permission to put the one with the scarf we put on today.  I had some rocking bow action on the top.

I feel the need to clarify something.  I thought before that our energy workers here in Vancouver were being supported by friends outside but they are doing this pro-bono.  They are volunteering their time to help us and a few others in here who reach out.  It’s amazing.  When I discovered that I was blown completely away.  This help they give is immeasurable.  I can tell you that for Dec 24-26 I didn’t ring them.  I didn’t text or email them about Ruby’s struggles or mine in the effort to give them time with their families.  Turns out I was supposed to and that they weren’t sure why I hadn’t.  Crazy beautiful love.  The time I had unplugged from that was the worst so far.  I tried to do it on my own and proved very quickly that I can’t.  Wow.  What a lesson for the little isolationist that I am. I love to give.  I am the one who picks up the tab when I can beat you to it.  I don’t like being the one to ask for help, to cry and need.  I’m not that sort of person.

I am now.

I am now.