Just the waiting game

Hi everyone,

We are back in Vancouver and still inundating Ken, wonderful patient Ken, with constant noise, stress and toys.  Not necessarily in that order.   We’ve been waiting since the 15th for an MRI appointment.  Turns out it wasn’t booked.  Despite flying back because the assumption was that we would need to be here to get in when they gave us the opportunity.  So.  We wait.  Seems to be a theme huh?  Ya…..you are right.  It’s the theme of my life lately.  But the benefit is patience and steely will.  And sometimes indigestion. 

Ruby is doing great, her hair is growing back in, slowly and thinly.  She’s a damn sight better than she was 3 weeks ago, eating all the time (though today a bit less so that’s a concern, will need to juice tomorrow) and steadily gaining weight.  Then she reminded me that she had never made it much past 40lbs at home anyway so what was I so excited about?  Holling is only 5 lbs lighter.  He turns 4 on the first day of Spring.

The snow has been a huge blessing.  Ruby went and played in it for a day, then got cold and didn’t want to go out again.  Today I dragged her out by her stubborn little will and piggybacked her through Stevenson Park where we saw a HUGE ship pulling out rather swiftly from the Fraser to the Strait and this wee little boat marked “pilot” that was trying very hard to get in front of it.  The beach was chilly but sunny and beautiful.  She smiled as we sat on the bench sharing a glutino lemon wafer cookie and said that Vancouver Island was beautiful behind it’s veil.  I thought (having spent my childhood there) how apt that really was. 

Laura and I had an amazing session.  Touched on lots of great things, worked on Ruby remotely.  At one point I tuned into her (I just visualized her reading a book because at that time of day it was a pretty good guess) and I suddenly couldn’t breathe.  So we worked on that, moving that fear out of her heart.  And out of mine.  By the time I got home she was beaming and super excited to tell me that she didn’t feel her heart race at all that evening.  She had a break from the “thump thumps”.  What wonderful people we have in our lives to guide us through these fast waters.  Or slow ones.  Right now it’s a stagnant swamp.  I don’t mind it though, it’s peaceful, it’s ordinary in an extraordinary way and it’s holding, loving and intangibly sweet. 

I’m getting some piano playing done here too.  There is an in-tune piano here.  You heard me right.  In-tune.  I have to say I love the sound of our honky tonker at home…seriously delicious sonorities waft out of that ole beast but sometimes when I play a D I’d like it to not sound like an F.  Though the surprise always makes me laugh.

Thursday the 27th is our MRI date.  Unsedated.  We shall see how that goes.  Once we have the results of that test we will have more to go on but more decisions and more second guessing to do. 

Thanks for the love, it flows and it flows.

gnite gracey.

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The Junction between heart and soul

So here we are!  I know you are probably chomping at the bit to hug the crap out of us and thank you for holding back.  It’s been a funny trip so far.  I’m typing this from Lovely Andy Hall’s (that is his new title).  This man has graciously babysat our house, our water tank, our mail and been our touchstone in the north.  What a lovely man.

Anyway, that’s not what I intended to write.  I wanted to address the whole illness thing.   Ruby doesn’t have much of an immune system.  So on the flight here a guy walking down the aisle of the plane towards the barn bathroom (ahhhh….the hierarchy of Air Canada flights)  hit the deck in a very heavy faint while slurring “I’m not feelin so gooooooood”.  Then he proceeded to tell the boys directly in front of us (about where his head was lying down) about his horrible flu that had attacked him from all angles.  I sat there thinking “what the hell?  Is this your sense of humour, universe???”.    Fortunately Ruby and I and one Japanese lady were wearing masks but I tell ya, I didn’t let her touch a seat on the way out.  I’ve never been so paranoid about germs before.  It’s exhausting.  For both our kids.  I think I say “take your fingers out of your nose and mouth” about 10000 times a day.

Here we are back home and it’s surreal and weirdly normal.  Part of that normal is the midnight snack/wakeup call by the boy and Ruby telling me that she wants to sleep ALONE for once in her room.  She’s a very independent little creature.  I’m guessing it’s entirely possible that she’s somewhat like me.  When I’m sick or dealing with heavy berries I need to be left alone to bull through it.  In the hospital we are attached to one another all the time and I’m sure it wears on her as much as me.

I had to tell you a bit about how my life was before kids.  I had them late.  Ruby came along when I was 37 and I had some serious naiveties (is that a word?) about kids.  See I thought they were really boring, dirty and naughty.  I thought that my party nights left my days really difficult to weather.   I would go for brunch with “those friends with kids” feeling like utter crap and thinking how there was no way I’d sign on to the baby train.  It just seemed sooooooo unrewarding.  I figured I didn’t want to be woken up in the morning with sticky hands.

Well, I guess I got the sticky hands part right.  But the arrival time is off by a couple of hours.  Try 3 am.  And how the heck does he have sticky hands?  From WHAT exactly at 3 am??  And what was I thinking about – tough mornings?  After a night of partying?  Wow, ok my life was nothing compared to this.  How bout so little sleep you are in a continual state of the resigned smile and attempts at moments of zen during the day that are either mini strokes or mini naps.

But I wouldn’t trade the complexity and upside down’dness of this life for any other.  Despite our trials and struggles and dangers and bizarreness. this family is amazingly fun.  From the 3 am wake ups to the times Ruby has turned to me in the hospital in her lowest hours and smiles faintly and says to me “mom, I think the angels are in the room.”  I have learned more from letting love in my life than 100 degrees at uni would have ever given me.

I probably won’t post again for a while.  If you want to get in touch with us, ring my cell but we don’t have the internet at home so I won’t be responding in a timely manner via email/posts.  Thanks for giving us our space and remembering that any illness could send us back to Vancouver in a hurry.  We love you and appreciate all the work and time you’ve done to make our lives wonderful.  And Laundry Lady, you know who you are, you are simply simply incredibly kind.  Thank you.